Saturday, May 26, 2012

Public Urination (Yes, you read that right)

If you’re from Delhi, it means you’re feeling unbelievably hot right now. The weather is at a merciless high and my capacity to endure the outdoors is at an all time low. When I do muster the strength, however, the outdoors of the Capital are no great reward for my efforts.

If you’re from Delhi, and have ventured outdoors, you’ve probably experienced the State animal of Delhi, the Roadside Pee-er (Sci: Urinatus Unabashus). For those of you wondering why it isn’t the Roadside Rapist, that’s the state animal of Haryana, found primarily in the Shaded Highlands of Gurgaon. It’s a common mix-up, don’t worry about it.

The Roadside Urinator, however, has been known to flock primarily in the Scorching Concrete jungle of Delhi, though he is known to be spread across the Suburban section of the Indian Subcontinent. In this article, we will attempt to classify this most peculiar creature into a few broad categories.

Author’s note: If you are easily disgusted OR have a low capacity for crude, bordering-on-vile, humor OR are looking for enriching literary experiences, I suggest you redirect your attention to something better, possibly something with less Urine. I’ll take my business elsewhere, you prude. If you still wish to read on, I feel bad for you.
Let’s get to it then. Starting us off, indisputably, is……

1.       The Proud-as-hell Urinator:
Of the many variants of public relievers, none is as prevalent or as easily noticed as this one. This horrible excuse for a human being is, to put it gently, the reason for Delhi’s flourishing tourism.
This variant is found most commonly on neighbourhood streets. Unlike the other taxonomic brethren it has, The PAHU isn’t warded off by unrelenting gazes, offended stares or even the omnipresent “Dekho Gadhha M*** Raha Hai” graffiti (seriously, that shit is everywhere. Who paints those anyway? If you know someone who does, introduce me). In fact, he seems to take some sort of sick pleasure in it.
If you try staring at this person, he will stare right back (I understand that using ‘He’ as an assumed gender role is a little sexist, but I’ll go ahead and make that assumption anyway).
Though he seems to stray safe of Panchsheel or Greater Kailash, the lanes of West, East and North Delhi are ripe with these miscreants.
To emphasize on the pride and joy with which this animal decorates the wall of the city with his bodily fluids, he accompanies his act with a song (Think “Samundar mein naha ke” or “Aaj Mausam Badha Beymaan Hai”)

2.       The Shy One:
Unlike the PAHU, The Shy Urinator choose places of much less conspicuity. More commonly spotted on Highways and abandoned in-lanes, they prefer to keep their excretory activities to themselves and detest being confronted by someone who may have any sort of objection whatsoever.
As far as possible, this type of Pee-er prefers to keep his ‘activities’ as unnoticed as possible, which is why you will always find him looking over his shoulder to check for any approaching interceptors. This insecurity is not very well-founded, however, as a surprisingly low number of people are willing to approach a man in the middle of draining the main vein, let alone make any effort to make him stop mid-stream.
Someday, when I am bored and have nothing to do, I’ll go up to a Shy Pee-er and ‘Boo!’ the living daylights out of him. Nothing cracks me up more than watching a grown man run back to his motorcycle with his Johnson hanging out for the world to see, leaving a trail of hot, wet shame in his wake.

3.       The Urine-o-matic:
I remember going to watch the circus at a kid. There was a lady who stood on top of a tower of fifty men, contorted herself into an impossible curve and pulled the sheet out from beneath a table of silverware at fifty feet.
The Urine-o-matic is the Public Urination equivalent of that woman.
While he is in possession of two perfectly good hands, he prefers to Urinate keeping his ‘tool’ completely free of any restraints that his limbs may impose. While this is a great trick for showing off at parties (Right? I don’t know. I don’t go to many of those), its possibly not the best idea for the road.
I understand that you want to keep those hands clean for the journey, sir. Your body organs are under such poor maintenance, obviously, that the two hours succeeding your urination consisting of touching innumerable spit-covered walls, encountering dust and eating food prepared with the sweat and blood (and sweat) of the child-worker at the highway dhabha must be protected from its filth.
YOU have to understand, however, that your Instrument isn’t meant to be played that way, and you’re little act is about as pleasing to passers-by as a hot Kebab poker shoved into their eye-sockets.

4.       The Non-Urinator:
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “This isn’t a category of public Pee-men at all”. You’re absolutely correct, of course.
However, this person is part of so rare a breed, and one so severely understated, I feel I would be doing them a great dishonor by not mentioning them here.
These are the men (or women, fine) who refuse to destroy the sanctity of the city by emptying their bladders all over the carefully constructed walls, the lush-green parks or the cross-country blessings that are the highways. They will fight the urge to publicly relieve themselves till their kidneys give way and their brain turns to pig-slur.
These people are heroes, and for all of those going “Oh, I know tons of people like that”, you need to feel better about yourself, because though together we seem a great number, we’re still a small army. We are the Spartan 300 to the Giant Persian army that is the public pee-er.
As long as there are people like these, hope runs immortal.

Like I said at the very beginning of the article, this isn’t a work of art, its drivel that I churned out on a boring Saturday. If you’re still not satisfied with it, write about it somewhere.

Like on a wall. With your pee. Unless you're a woman, in which case, HA!

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