I've been bashed by my friends of the opposite sex a lot lately. I am not, as they would put it "as chivalrous as guys should be". Chivalry, according to most people without penises, is dead.
Yes it is.
Chivalry died long ago. Some brilliant male icon tied it to a chair and beat it's head in with a hockey stick when he told his girlfriend to pull up her own chair, or shut the door while walking out even though he knew she was following him.
I like to believe I am chivalrous. Most men do. I give my seat in buses and metros to women, especially of the impregnated variety. I try not to let girls go home in an auto or a bus after dark unaccompanied. I try to pay for my dates.
In case any of who did the same were mistaking this for chivalry, don't be confused. Its not.
Its an imitation of chivalry we so marvelously follow in our daily lives to make ourselves feel better about considering ourselves the superior sex. We're not, don't get me wrong, I'm all for gender equality, but there is this tiny little sexist tumor that was planted in the , male brain in the 1950s, and it continues to this day. The pride our ancestors held in their virility lives on through us today. We are, in all honesty, living the life our forefathers dreamed of, we're just not proud enough to live it without any remorse.
You may be wondering how any of this makes sense, it doesn't. But we crossed that bridge long ago, so read on.
Coming back to where we started, chivalry.
So if I say "Let me help you with that, it seems heavy" to a member of the opposite, and perhaps more cunning, sex, it's a sexist slur, and I am suggesting that women are weaker than men, and incapable of handling their own business. Women are just as strong as men are, of course.
This does, however, does not imply I'm allowed to inflict physical harm to anything in a suit, skirt or saree, of course. Besides the fact that I am not much for violence on principle, and that I have been programmed to never physically harm girls as a rule, this would be taking unfair advantage of my strengths over hers as a man.
Of course, the two scenarios are perfectly capable of being co-existent inside a woman's head.
Did it ever occur to you that chivalry just might be too convenient for the fairer sex?
I'm a pig if I don't pull up a chair for her, or don't hold a door open for her, or don't pay for dinner.
I also befit the stereotype of the Scum-sucking man-pig if I don't offer the better seat on a rickshaw to my feminine travel companions.
Let me be as clear about this as I possibly can. In a nutshell, your only contribution to society in return for all the aforementioned services is the apparent lack of a penis.
Are you kidding me?
Please try to understand this. You are a different gender. You are not handicapped enough to not open the door, neither are you poor enough to not pay for dinner, and as long as you have the same round butt-cheeks as I do, you are perfectly capable of sitting on the worse seat on a rickshaw if I am.
We are not trying to make you feel better than us, neither are we trying to sound like the superior sex. We like you women, you make us feel nice about being us, you make us feel wanted, and we need that, we are that full of ourselves.
You just have to realize that the next time a man does something nice for you, he is not doing it because he considers you above or beneath him.
Its because he needs you, and he will try to meet up to whatever expectations the members of your sex have forced upon him and all those of similar physical characteristics.
We love you, more than life in itself, we just don't feel the persistent need to express it through actions guided by a particular school of thought. We want to do nice things for you because we love you. Shouldn't that be good enough?
And lest I forget, we can pee standing up, so in your face.